For all my sweat, my blood runs weak

Heelloo!
  So, I've been MIA for a while and apologize for not being consistent.

I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll begin from the summer.

I went home for a month over the summer mainly to rebuild the relationship with my parents, my mother in specific. For the first time ever, I began to become friends with my own mother...and she is hilarious. For so many years I have isolated her from my life, struggles, and accomplishments. We never really understood each other because I didn't know how to share my life with her.

When leaving, I finally saw my mother as a close friend rather than a disciplinary and caretaker.


Recent news (logistics):

I live in a house away from downtown, which is good.

As most of you know, random things happen to me all of the time. So what is the new random thing? oh it is bed bugs. Yes, these blood sucking, nocturnal insects have been controlling my life for a few months. I'm leaving in a new house with one of most close friends, Cat, and she would wake up with these bites for about month. I, however, was not reacting to the bites yet we found them in the middle of the night...filled with our blood. So, every night I pray "oh God, please let me sleep tight without any bed bugs biting me". We recently got our house heated to 120 degrees which has killed these creatures...hopefully forever.


 I also started my new job at a new school. This school has about 2,000 students and is the school where Friday Night Lights was filmed. I teach Chemistry and Earth/Space which involves Sophomores and Seniors.


This year has been drastically different from last year in some ways yet familiar in others.

My students are not as emotionally disturbed or aggressive as my other school but they have the same problems regardless of their race, status, and environments. We all in a since are "at-risk" because we are humans with imperfections. And because of this, I am able to notice the students who other teachers dismiss...I love my job.

 I chose to switch schools because it I needed support and consistency, which Austin Can! Academy lacked. Last year 4 teacher were fired in the middle of year with no notice or inclination of such action. By seeing this, I needed security in my job and trust in my administration.


Now the emotional stuff:
Looking back from last year, I came to the realization of my severe depression. I felt as though I was drowning, screaming and kicking trying to save myself. My thoughts were taking me to places that was not of this world. I was calling out to my heavenly father asking to be picked up from this darkness. Through my brokenness, I could not save myself and became a vessel for God. I reached those students being in the worst emotional and physical state of my life. That's the beauty of grace and sincerity of our Lord.


As some of some of you may know that I lost a student due to homicide. This student was from Austin Can and in an instant, his life was gone. This situation woke me up and shook me. I was mad, frustrated and screaming to God "Hold me, Hold your child for I am crying to you to pick me up and wipe my tears". When  I call, answer me, my righteous God! When I was in distress, you set me free. Be gracious to me and hear my prayer~ psalm 4:1 Please continue to pray for the family.


I  listened to this song over and over the day this happened http://youtu.be/7HIIAYpzGWs, Mumford and Sons- Earth below my feet.

I see my personality changing, I've become much more quieter, private, and I listen more than I speak...I enjoy the subtle change :)

I started a new improv troupe called Catalyst. This troupe is dramatic based and lacks the familiar humor one thinks when hearing "improv" attached is our first video, I hope you enjoy it http://player.vimeo.com/video/50891411

Through my struggles, my faith has become stronger and I'm slowly but surely turning into a beautiful woman of God.

I'll be home for Christmas, and plan on being in Boone Dec. 28 till 30th. So, don't be a stranger.

With love in Christ,
Ashley Jayne Carlisle

the past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it

So, it’s been way too long since I’ve shared my life with each of you..So, where should I start?

I’m still in Austin trying working at Austin Can Academy. That school has changed my life and I have never felt such a passion to fight for social justice, until now. Throughout the year I have built strong relationships with these students..they are my kids and I will try everything I can to protect and encourage their potential.

I have students asking me to sow their pants and to write letters to their officers, so they won't have to receive community service. I had a student last week overdose before she came to class and had a stroke in my room during class. She couldn't speak and tears were flowing down her face, the ambulance came and strolled her away..I couldn't sleep that night.

 Drugs, abuse, neglect, gangs, murder, starvation...these students know what I have come to fear. I can't explain everything I have seen for my words become haunted.  I have become close to my co-workers and distance around others. My thinking has changed. My thoughts are filled with concern and hopes that these students will not be abused, murdered, and/or locked up, rather than what I should eat...I've been listening to rap, due to their lyrics. Now, I know most of you are thinking that rap is trashy and/or vulgar, but that depends on the artist. Over spring break I was listening to Pandora and the rapper Nas came up and I started listening to the lyrics and I stopped and was paralyzed. This rapper was talking about the infiltration of drugs, sex, and abuse that has suffocated his life, this was the first time I could relate to the lyrics for these are the lives of my students...Check out this song, and please, please, listen to the lyrics. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FynhOXfHHGM 

Growing up, I was never exposed to diversity until walking into this classroom. I'm am true to myself and the students are loving me because of it. A day consist of laughing with students, being cursed out and/or have hateful comments directed towards me, listen to my students, and some days cry. I was walking downtown one night and I heard a student call my name "Ms.C". I walked over, recognized it was a student who dropped out last month. He told me that he is getting his G.E.D, so he could work. He then told me that he passed his Science TAKS test because he remembered everything in my class.. he then said "Ms. C, you're an amazing teacher". I told him that I was extremely proud of his accomplishment and then cried all the way to my car. I told myself "Carlisle, you did what you're called to do, I'm proud of you" It was God telling me to stop and listen to my words.

I got accepted to Grad school and will start this fall for a Masters in Education with a concentration in Science. The educated system is extremely corrupted and by obtained a Masters, I will be able to cause a greater change within the system.

I'm still doing improv and got cast in a couple of troupes and will be performing throughout the summer. I'm also going to take a sewing class as well as start a garden.

I miss those mountain and each of you. Feel free to call and/or email.

This has been the first time I have seen positive change within me and my students...Please, go out and help change this world.

Until next time,

Carlisle

how fickle my heart and how woosy my eyes.

New Years-resolution, reflection, diets, goals, expectations, excitement, and uncertainty.

An update:

I haven't made any resolutions but instead got a tattoo<----extreme, never. I got a willow tree on my forearm and yes I do know it's permanent but please do not judge. I've been thinking about this for about 3 years but specifically the last few months. This willow tree represents flexibility, adaptation, and sorrow. The way it drapes down looks like tears fallen to the ground, it's a sign of humility and despair- that represented my year.

I have struggled with depression most of my life but now I've come to an acceptance. Because of this, it has inhibit close relationships. As some of you may know, I'm extremely private. I will tell you about my emotions or my day but will not tell you the root or cause. And because of this, it has caused isolation and failure to face my fears and mistakes. So new year resolution? to take time each day and try to really look at myself and see these ugly beast of fear, anger, regret as a fruit that I have to slowly peel away to reach the tangible flavor.

Here is to another year

Carlisle