When the stars go blue.

So, it's been almost a year? And how life has changed.

So where should I begin?

Lets start from last Christmas. I went home for Christmas last year and realized that my perspective glasses had to be fixed, or more so my prescription.

Logistics:
Teaching
I now teach AP chem and Pre-AP, which has been a huge jump from my 2 previous years of teaching. I'm the PLC lead for the Chemistry department which helps me make change in a positive direction. I, personally, do not crave leadership positions. Yet, if it starts a catalyst for change, I'll step up.

 In college I failed Chemistry my first year and had the hardest time understanding it throughout college (I took 4 years of Chem). Looking back, I always thought I wasn't intelligent enough to grasp this foreign concept but I then realized that I wasn't college prepared due to my low standards of my high school. I'm determined to give these students and education which will further them. I spent many nights crying in college not knowing what my next step will be.

I have been called an "Idiot" many times in life and it really has done me a disservices for confidence.

I refuse to let my students experience this nor slip through the cracks. I never understood and despised Chemistry. But as I learned the complexities of this thing called an "atom", I fell in love. I'm not a genius and will never claim to be but I will work hard to understand complexities.

..I love my job and love my students.  I will work my tail off to help them become successful, the end.

Improv
 I've taking a step back from improv due to unhealthy emotions towards others in the community as well as my own talent.  I need fresh eyes and a little change. I may come back to it, I may not. All I know is that I love this form of art called "acting", it fascinates me. And, Breaking Bad help me fall in love with the power an actor/actress can provide. I've been a fan of Breaking Bad since in came out (2008?) and not a lot of people were watching at the time but I knew it was something that I never seen on television before.

All this to say, thank you Breaking Bad for being risk takers and showing that "Chemistry teachers are bad ass"---- quote from a student

Stand UP
 I have dabbled into stand-up a bit :)
I started taking a class with a great Stand-Up comedian and he once said during a class to "talk about what makes you uncomfortable." After I heard this, words dripped out of my mouth like honey. I enjoy stand up because it's the purest form of art.

When I step on stage, I have their attention. I do not have to fight to speak nor do I feel the need to pretend to be a character..I'm myself. And when I speak, it's like looking at a photograph, you see the perspective of the photographer. I speak about situations through my eyes, not anyone else's and they see the picture I'm painting which is only unique to myself.

Friends and Love
 I'm so in love and it's a beautiful thing. I can spend every moment with this person which is not easy for me because I tend to get tired of people very easily.

He accepts me for the broken pieces as well as the perfect, immaculate whole pieces of myself..and that's all I can ask for. It's a healthy relationship and everyday gets better. He makes me want to be a healthier and better person ---I know makes you want to throw up.

I feel that I have finally made some lifelong friends here in Austin. I know it's hard to really know me and I understand the frustration some may have had. But, to find friends who really appreciate who you really are and will do anything to help, well that's worth everything.


Conclusion
 I'm doing everything I can to really live.... and not live in my head.


Until next time,

Ashley-Jayne Carlisle

In normal life we hardly realize how much more we receive than we give; life can be rich only with such realization. 
  ~Bonhoeffer

For all my sweat, my blood runs weak

Heelloo!
  So, I've been MIA for a while and apologize for not being consistent.

I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll begin from the summer.

I went home for a month over the summer mainly to rebuild the relationship with my parents, my mother in specific. For the first time ever, I began to become friends with my own mother...and she is hilarious. For so many years I have isolated her from my life, struggles, and accomplishments. We never really understood each other because I didn't know how to share my life with her.

When leaving, I finally saw my mother as a close friend rather than a disciplinary and caretaker.


Recent news (logistics):

I live in a house away from downtown, which is good.

As most of you know, random things happen to me all of the time. So what is the new random thing? oh it is bed bugs. Yes, these blood sucking, nocturnal insects have been controlling my life for a few months. I'm leaving in a new house with one of most close friends, Cat, and she would wake up with these bites for about month. I, however, was not reacting to the bites yet we found them in the middle of the night...filled with our blood. So, every night I pray "oh God, please let me sleep tight without any bed bugs biting me". We recently got our house heated to 120 degrees which has killed these creatures...hopefully forever.


 I also started my new job at a new school. This school has about 2,000 students and is the school where Friday Night Lights was filmed. I teach Chemistry and Earth/Space which involves Sophomores and Seniors.


This year has been drastically different from last year in some ways yet familiar in others.

My students are not as emotionally disturbed or aggressive as my other school but they have the same problems regardless of their race, status, and environments. We all in a since are "at-risk" because we are humans with imperfections. And because of this, I am able to notice the students who other teachers dismiss...I love my job.

 I chose to switch schools because it I needed support and consistency, which Austin Can! Academy lacked. Last year 4 teacher were fired in the middle of year with no notice or inclination of such action. By seeing this, I needed security in my job and trust in my administration.


Now the emotional stuff:
Looking back from last year, I came to the realization of my severe depression. I felt as though I was drowning, screaming and kicking trying to save myself. My thoughts were taking me to places that was not of this world. I was calling out to my heavenly father asking to be picked up from this darkness. Through my brokenness, I could not save myself and became a vessel for God. I reached those students being in the worst emotional and physical state of my life. That's the beauty of grace and sincerity of our Lord.


As some of some of you may know that I lost a student due to homicide. This student was from Austin Can and in an instant, his life was gone. This situation woke me up and shook me. I was mad, frustrated and screaming to God "Hold me, Hold your child for I am crying to you to pick me up and wipe my tears". When  I call, answer me, my righteous God! When I was in distress, you set me free. Be gracious to me and hear my prayer~ psalm 4:1 Please continue to pray for the family.


I  listened to this song over and over the day this happened http://youtu.be/7HIIAYpzGWs, Mumford and Sons- Earth below my feet.

I see my personality changing, I've become much more quieter, private, and I listen more than I speak...I enjoy the subtle change :)

I started a new improv troupe called Catalyst. This troupe is dramatic based and lacks the familiar humor one thinks when hearing "improv" attached is our first video, I hope you enjoy it http://player.vimeo.com/video/50891411

Through my struggles, my faith has become stronger and I'm slowly but surely turning into a beautiful woman of God.

I'll be home for Christmas, and plan on being in Boone Dec. 28 till 30th. So, don't be a stranger.

With love in Christ,
Ashley Jayne Carlisle

the past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it

So, it’s been way too long since I’ve shared my life with each of you..So, where should I start?

I’m still in Austin trying working at Austin Can Academy. That school has changed my life and I have never felt such a passion to fight for social justice, until now. Throughout the year I have built strong relationships with these students..they are my kids and I will try everything I can to protect and encourage their potential.

I have students asking me to sow their pants and to write letters to their officers, so they won't have to receive community service. I had a student last week overdose before she came to class and had a stroke in my room during class. She couldn't speak and tears were flowing down her face, the ambulance came and strolled her away..I couldn't sleep that night.

 Drugs, abuse, neglect, gangs, murder, starvation...these students know what I have come to fear. I can't explain everything I have seen for my words become haunted.  I have become close to my co-workers and distance around others. My thinking has changed. My thoughts are filled with concern and hopes that these students will not be abused, murdered, and/or locked up, rather than what I should eat...I've been listening to rap, due to their lyrics. Now, I know most of you are thinking that rap is trashy and/or vulgar, but that depends on the artist. Over spring break I was listening to Pandora and the rapper Nas came up and I started listening to the lyrics and I stopped and was paralyzed. This rapper was talking about the infiltration of drugs, sex, and abuse that has suffocated his life, this was the first time I could relate to the lyrics for these are the lives of my students...Check out this song, and please, please, listen to the lyrics. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FynhOXfHHGM 

Growing up, I was never exposed to diversity until walking into this classroom. I'm am true to myself and the students are loving me because of it. A day consist of laughing with students, being cursed out and/or have hateful comments directed towards me, listen to my students, and some days cry. I was walking downtown one night and I heard a student call my name "Ms.C". I walked over, recognized it was a student who dropped out last month. He told me that he is getting his G.E.D, so he could work. He then told me that he passed his Science TAKS test because he remembered everything in my class.. he then said "Ms. C, you're an amazing teacher". I told him that I was extremely proud of his accomplishment and then cried all the way to my car. I told myself "Carlisle, you did what you're called to do, I'm proud of you" It was God telling me to stop and listen to my words.

I got accepted to Grad school and will start this fall for a Masters in Education with a concentration in Science. The educated system is extremely corrupted and by obtained a Masters, I will be able to cause a greater change within the system.

I'm still doing improv and got cast in a couple of troupes and will be performing throughout the summer. I'm also going to take a sewing class as well as start a garden.

I miss those mountain and each of you. Feel free to call and/or email.

This has been the first time I have seen positive change within me and my students...Please, go out and help change this world.

Until next time,

Carlisle

how fickle my heart and how woosy my eyes.

New Years-resolution, reflection, diets, goals, expectations, excitement, and uncertainty.

An update:

I haven't made any resolutions but instead got a tattoo<----extreme, never. I got a willow tree on my forearm and yes I do know it's permanent but please do not judge. I've been thinking about this for about 3 years but specifically the last few months. This willow tree represents flexibility, adaptation, and sorrow. The way it drapes down looks like tears fallen to the ground, it's a sign of humility and despair- that represented my year.

I have struggled with depression most of my life but now I've come to an acceptance. Because of this, it has inhibit close relationships. As some of you may know, I'm extremely private. I will tell you about my emotions or my day but will not tell you the root or cause. And because of this, it has caused isolation and failure to face my fears and mistakes. So new year resolution? to take time each day and try to really look at myself and see these ugly beast of fear, anger, regret as a fruit that I have to slowly peel away to reach the tangible flavor.

Here is to another year

Carlisle

Oh' Cause the Blue Skies are Calling and I know It's Hard

...It's been a while and I apologize.

Today I have off for its veterans day and for that, I can think therefore write<--spin-off quote from Descartes :)

So, Let's begin (ATTENTION ATTENTION: These words may be hard to digest)

This had be my 14 week teaching at a at-risk school and...I

1. Tried to stop a student from pulling out a weapon
2. Almost lost a student to suicide
3. been cursed out 7 times (and counting)
4. Met a gang member
5. Seen students go and leave prison
6. Seen a drug bust and a car stolen
7. Gained respect
8. Cried for being privileged
9. Understood some of the loop holes of poverty
10. Eaten a homemade Mexican taco about everyday
11. Had my car towed 2 times and pulled over once (expired tag)
12. Been accused of calling a student a dog
13. Been threaten from an administration and student
14. Never felt such empathy for a humankind
15. Realized that I'm a fighting a spiritual war
16. Faced the reality that I have always been chronically depressed
17. Want to become a improv performer (In level 3 of classes)
18. Have more respect for my students than most people in my life...due to their honesty and visibility of struggles.
19. Broken up a girl fight
20. Am calmer, and quieter...I've become a person rather than an actor in her own life.
21. Gone on a few dates...bleh :/
22. Have been in the midst of a wildfire and thought of purgatory
23. Am becoming a hipster and am constantly an understand slang. Example 1:"Yo, Ms. C let me get those shoes off of you for those are live" <---translation: "Good morning, Ms. Carlisle, I love those shoes where did you get them?" Example 2:" Ms. C, why you mean mugging me? you need to stop pushing the gas"<-----translation:"Ms Carlisle, why are you looking at me like that? Could you please stop giving us so much work?"
24. Lost 15 pounds
25. Want to settle in Austin
26. Am understanding the disposition of Jesus.
27. Have seen Johnny Depp
28. Want to start my Masters in Education next fall
29. Am an excellent teacher
30. Am content.

I hope each of you see God in goodness and destruction.If you haven't seen destruction, look around you and pray, oh pray. Break out of the ordinary and fight...fight for what you hold to be pure and good.

...Until next time.

Ashley Jayne Carlisle

Cannonball Days

Well, Well it's been a while. Here we go:

So, update from last blog (sorry for not being consistent)

1. Past my TeXes 8-12 exam as well as my Science 4-8. So, in other words, I'm certified to teach high school as well as middle school science.
2. After I heard this news, I started apply to jobs like crazy (Special thanks to Athalia and Ross)
3. Got a call for a job interview for a Charter school
4. Got the job! I will be teaching High school Chemistry, IPC, and Physics
5. Moved out of my apartment to a house which is about 2 minutes away from my school.
6. This all happened in a matter of week...Funny how God works, right?

So, now, let's talk:

I was becoming extremely stressed within the last few weeks, my last post seemed to captured the mood of my regression. As I began to applying to jobs, I realized I wanted to be in this beautiful new High School with a active football team, privilege teens, and a safe community. In other words, I wanted to feel comfortable and safe. I felt as thought I deserved this from all this intense training and obstacles I've been through. I was OWED a good job...and then "Slap".

I realize " we" (meaning the general public) have this intuition that this world owes us for the pain and struggle. The root of the predicament is embedded in our motivations, for is it God's wanting or ours?

As I got a call for this interview, I looked at the website and it said "at risk" students, in other words: young mothers, drop outs, student's that have to work to sustain their families. Which in return means: pain, desperation, anxiety, anger, and depression. These will be the students that will sit in my classroom. As I came to this conclusion, I became nervous and scared and that's were the "slap" of God came. It was God telling me where he wanted me rather where I wanted. So, after the burn and sting of the slap, I followed.

The interview went well and the school is old, rugged, and whispers stories as one saunters down its hall. But, the best part is the massive garden in the back. When I saw this, I breathed a sign of relief for I knew that garden will be my temple. I fully expect to be cursed out, heckled, judged, and walked out on just on my first day. But, this is where I'm supposed to be and because of this...I feel content and healthy. But don't get me wrong, I am scared out of my mind and expect to cry tears of frustration, need of solitude, and most of all for my students. I'm about to see a world that I tried to protect myself from a couple years ago while working in Orange, TX. However, this time the pain will not be from what I see but from what I hear. In other words, I'm going to need a lot of prayer.

The other science teacher is amazing;she will teach Biology and Environmental Studies. Her name is Jessica and she is 26 years old and looks like she's about 13, sound familiar? So, here we are, these nerdy, new teachers looking like we're infants. And these infants are about to teach grown women and men. But we are determined and our hearts are unbounding. We have a lot in common and are writing on the same page in the right direction. I was thinking about making a documentary for the first year of teaching at a "at risk" school and naming it " A taste of Purgatory" let me know your thoughts :)

The students will only be class for 4 hours a day but the Teachers work from 7:30-5. In other words, I will be teaching 8 classes along with planning and grading. My carefree days are over, the reality has set in and I'm ready for this challenge..actually I'm ecstatic. It's weird having grown men calling me Ms. Carlisle and asking me logistic about my classroom. Oh, my classroom, it's huge :) I'm leaving for a flight to Dallas tonight for training through Tuesday with the other new teachers. Sometimes, I have to remember just to respirate.

I am leaving in a four bedroom house with 3 other first year teachers. I met these incredible people through Texas Teaching Fellows. 2 of roommates are bilingual and teaching grade school. The other roommate is teaching Chemistry at a high school. So, the year should be interesting. Oh, I almost forgot, Improv classes are going amazing. I may try out for a couple of shows.

Well, that's all I can think of at the moment. All this to say is that life has changed its form and I'm still swimming and haven't drown yet. Nostalgia has kicked in but the rush of a purpose has taken over. I miss and love each of you! Please give me a call sometime :704-460-3059, I would love to hear from you!

Oh, I read this beautiful post from an amazing man named Andy Byers. While I was in school at Gardner-Webb, he worked there providing counseling. I read this post and loved the simplicity and beauty of working with God through the mundane tasks. I hope you enjoy.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/features/26398-we-need-boring-christians

With love from the rolling hills,

Ms. Carlisle

Awake my soul, for we were made to meet our maker

well, it has been a few weeks and it seems like years have passed, funny how reality can become a multiple of galaxies (I'll explain more).

Update: Finished student teaching, have 2 more weeks of institute, Took the TEXES exam, enjoying Austin...stressed.

So, let's begin, shall we?

Let me start with my fellow science cohort...13 individuals are in my cohort, 2 have doctorate degrees and 3 are fresh out of college. I must say that I'm loving this group for they are hilarious and of course I have my favorites :) One of my favorites, Mitch, is from Louisiana and is quite southern and sharp witted. He is a good ol' boy and loves those rattle' snakes and critters. Since I love imitating, or should I say speaking my natural southern language, me and Mitch get along quite well. He has classified me as his "sister from another mister".

I've been laughing a good amount just because the randomness of reality. Last month, I was selling pasta worrying about the fickle weather of Boone; But instead, I'm working on creating lesson plans, playing ultimate Frisbee in the dark, eating tacos every morning...my life has been topsy turvied and all I can do is laugh or some days cry.

I'm stressed about the results of this TEXES test. One of my biggest weakness is the lack of contextual confidence. As a coping mechanism, I tend to portray my intelligence as limiting, for people expect less from me. I am faced with intellectual individuals that carry themselves high which demands a confidence that becomes intimidating. I know the structure of failure and I know how it can be denatured or catalytic. I'm seeping into a vacuum of self-inflicted pity due to the constant aroma of self deprecation...Oh, but I'm trying to stand and hold steady even if I have scars from the falls. I find the results from the test this week, blah.

I was driving a friend home one night and on the drive back she looked at me and said that she gains more respect for me everyday. It took me off guard and I ask the reason behind the statement. She claimed that my acts of kindness are so genuine and frequent, she could tell that I really, truly cared about individuals. I almost cried like an infant when she spoke these words for I realized that I was only treating her as a daughter of God..."smack", there goes the slap across of face, for just then I realized one implication of my actions.

Each of you have shown copious amounts of care and kindness my way by the grace of God. And because of this, I know what genuine love and accountability inhabits.

As I drove home that night, I just smiled and thought about all of those moments were I was crawling in filth just to see a glimpse of light. Even if I didn't know where I was going, I knew what I needed. Due to this, each of you grabbed and shook me, fed me, washed my damped clothes, listened, and directed me towards our Makers image...and for that I'm eternally grateful.

So my story grows and every day enfolds another page. I just joined a improv group, just to add to the randomness

Until next time...

With sunshine from the hill country,

Miss. Carlisle