Oh' Cause the Blue Skies are Calling and I know It's Hard

...It's been a while and I apologize.

Today I have off for its veterans day and for that, I can think therefore write<--spin-off quote from Descartes :)

So, Let's begin (ATTENTION ATTENTION: These words may be hard to digest)

This had be my 14 week teaching at a at-risk school and...I

1. Tried to stop a student from pulling out a weapon
2. Almost lost a student to suicide
3. been cursed out 7 times (and counting)
4. Met a gang member
5. Seen students go and leave prison
6. Seen a drug bust and a car stolen
7. Gained respect
8. Cried for being privileged
9. Understood some of the loop holes of poverty
10. Eaten a homemade Mexican taco about everyday
11. Had my car towed 2 times and pulled over once (expired tag)
12. Been accused of calling a student a dog
13. Been threaten from an administration and student
14. Never felt such empathy for a humankind
15. Realized that I'm a fighting a spiritual war
16. Faced the reality that I have always been chronically depressed
17. Want to become a improv performer (In level 3 of classes)
18. Have more respect for my students than most people in my life...due to their honesty and visibility of struggles.
19. Broken up a girl fight
20. Am calmer, and quieter...I've become a person rather than an actor in her own life.
21. Gone on a few dates...bleh :/
22. Have been in the midst of a wildfire and thought of purgatory
23. Am becoming a hipster and am constantly an understand slang. Example 1:"Yo, Ms. C let me get those shoes off of you for those are live" <---translation: "Good morning, Ms. Carlisle, I love those shoes where did you get them?" Example 2:" Ms. C, why you mean mugging me? you need to stop pushing the gas"<-----translation:"Ms Carlisle, why are you looking at me like that? Could you please stop giving us so much work?"
24. Lost 15 pounds
25. Want to settle in Austin
26. Am understanding the disposition of Jesus.
27. Have seen Johnny Depp
28. Want to start my Masters in Education next fall
29. Am an excellent teacher
30. Am content.

I hope each of you see God in goodness and destruction.If you haven't seen destruction, look around you and pray, oh pray. Break out of the ordinary and fight...fight for what you hold to be pure and good.

...Until next time.

Ashley Jayne Carlisle

Cannonball Days

Well, Well it's been a while. Here we go:

So, update from last blog (sorry for not being consistent)

1. Past my TeXes 8-12 exam as well as my Science 4-8. So, in other words, I'm certified to teach high school as well as middle school science.
2. After I heard this news, I started apply to jobs like crazy (Special thanks to Athalia and Ross)
3. Got a call for a job interview for a Charter school
4. Got the job! I will be teaching High school Chemistry, IPC, and Physics
5. Moved out of my apartment to a house which is about 2 minutes away from my school.
6. This all happened in a matter of week...Funny how God works, right?

So, now, let's talk:

I was becoming extremely stressed within the last few weeks, my last post seemed to captured the mood of my regression. As I began to applying to jobs, I realized I wanted to be in this beautiful new High School with a active football team, privilege teens, and a safe community. In other words, I wanted to feel comfortable and safe. I felt as thought I deserved this from all this intense training and obstacles I've been through. I was OWED a good job...and then "Slap".

I realize " we" (meaning the general public) have this intuition that this world owes us for the pain and struggle. The root of the predicament is embedded in our motivations, for is it God's wanting or ours?

As I got a call for this interview, I looked at the website and it said "at risk" students, in other words: young mothers, drop outs, student's that have to work to sustain their families. Which in return means: pain, desperation, anxiety, anger, and depression. These will be the students that will sit in my classroom. As I came to this conclusion, I became nervous and scared and that's were the "slap" of God came. It was God telling me where he wanted me rather where I wanted. So, after the burn and sting of the slap, I followed.

The interview went well and the school is old, rugged, and whispers stories as one saunters down its hall. But, the best part is the massive garden in the back. When I saw this, I breathed a sign of relief for I knew that garden will be my temple. I fully expect to be cursed out, heckled, judged, and walked out on just on my first day. But, this is where I'm supposed to be and because of this...I feel content and healthy. But don't get me wrong, I am scared out of my mind and expect to cry tears of frustration, need of solitude, and most of all for my students. I'm about to see a world that I tried to protect myself from a couple years ago while working in Orange, TX. However, this time the pain will not be from what I see but from what I hear. In other words, I'm going to need a lot of prayer.

The other science teacher is amazing;she will teach Biology and Environmental Studies. Her name is Jessica and she is 26 years old and looks like she's about 13, sound familiar? So, here we are, these nerdy, new teachers looking like we're infants. And these infants are about to teach grown women and men. But we are determined and our hearts are unbounding. We have a lot in common and are writing on the same page in the right direction. I was thinking about making a documentary for the first year of teaching at a "at risk" school and naming it " A taste of Purgatory" let me know your thoughts :)

The students will only be class for 4 hours a day but the Teachers work from 7:30-5. In other words, I will be teaching 8 classes along with planning and grading. My carefree days are over, the reality has set in and I'm ready for this challenge..actually I'm ecstatic. It's weird having grown men calling me Ms. Carlisle and asking me logistic about my classroom. Oh, my classroom, it's huge :) I'm leaving for a flight to Dallas tonight for training through Tuesday with the other new teachers. Sometimes, I have to remember just to respirate.

I am leaving in a four bedroom house with 3 other first year teachers. I met these incredible people through Texas Teaching Fellows. 2 of roommates are bilingual and teaching grade school. The other roommate is teaching Chemistry at a high school. So, the year should be interesting. Oh, I almost forgot, Improv classes are going amazing. I may try out for a couple of shows.

Well, that's all I can think of at the moment. All this to say is that life has changed its form and I'm still swimming and haven't drown yet. Nostalgia has kicked in but the rush of a purpose has taken over. I miss and love each of you! Please give me a call sometime :704-460-3059, I would love to hear from you!

Oh, I read this beautiful post from an amazing man named Andy Byers. While I was in school at Gardner-Webb, he worked there providing counseling. I read this post and loved the simplicity and beauty of working with God through the mundane tasks. I hope you enjoy.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/features/26398-we-need-boring-christians

With love from the rolling hills,

Ms. Carlisle

Awake my soul, for we were made to meet our maker

well, it has been a few weeks and it seems like years have passed, funny how reality can become a multiple of galaxies (I'll explain more).

Update: Finished student teaching, have 2 more weeks of institute, Took the TEXES exam, enjoying Austin...stressed.

So, let's begin, shall we?

Let me start with my fellow science cohort...13 individuals are in my cohort, 2 have doctorate degrees and 3 are fresh out of college. I must say that I'm loving this group for they are hilarious and of course I have my favorites :) One of my favorites, Mitch, is from Louisiana and is quite southern and sharp witted. He is a good ol' boy and loves those rattle' snakes and critters. Since I love imitating, or should I say speaking my natural southern language, me and Mitch get along quite well. He has classified me as his "sister from another mister".

I've been laughing a good amount just because the randomness of reality. Last month, I was selling pasta worrying about the fickle weather of Boone; But instead, I'm working on creating lesson plans, playing ultimate Frisbee in the dark, eating tacos every morning...my life has been topsy turvied and all I can do is laugh or some days cry.

I'm stressed about the results of this TEXES test. One of my biggest weakness is the lack of contextual confidence. As a coping mechanism, I tend to portray my intelligence as limiting, for people expect less from me. I am faced with intellectual individuals that carry themselves high which demands a confidence that becomes intimidating. I know the structure of failure and I know how it can be denatured or catalytic. I'm seeping into a vacuum of self-inflicted pity due to the constant aroma of self deprecation...Oh, but I'm trying to stand and hold steady even if I have scars from the falls. I find the results from the test this week, blah.

I was driving a friend home one night and on the drive back she looked at me and said that she gains more respect for me everyday. It took me off guard and I ask the reason behind the statement. She claimed that my acts of kindness are so genuine and frequent, she could tell that I really, truly cared about individuals. I almost cried like an infant when she spoke these words for I realized that I was only treating her as a daughter of God..."smack", there goes the slap across of face, for just then I realized one implication of my actions.

Each of you have shown copious amounts of care and kindness my way by the grace of God. And because of this, I know what genuine love and accountability inhabits.

As I drove home that night, I just smiled and thought about all of those moments were I was crawling in filth just to see a glimpse of light. Even if I didn't know where I was going, I knew what I needed. Due to this, each of you grabbed and shook me, fed me, washed my damped clothes, listened, and directed me towards our Makers image...and for that I'm eternally grateful.

So my story grows and every day enfolds another page. I just joined a improv group, just to add to the randomness

Until next time...

With sunshine from the hill country,

Miss. Carlisle

I need to understand the root not the shoot.

well, well..Where should I start?
So, I think I should first start with my daily routine to give you an idea of my day:

5:30 am- wake up delirious, ready to take on the day
6:20- Meet my cohort fellow, who is in the same teaching class, to go over lesson plan
8:00- Arrive at Akins High school and talk to our Corporate teacher and most days have a "Come to Jesus meeting" with her about class management.
9-1:00- Teach life biology to high schools students
1-4:40: Travel back to institute and join up with the science cohort for skills and training
5-8: Lesson planning, finish all of the requirements and assignments giving to our cohort, review for tomorrow's teaching, try to be social and participate in Texas Teaching Fellows event for participation credit.
8-11 pm: Study for my TEXES 8-12 Test.

Set that alarm and start again.

Life has become hectic,intense,draining,exciting, and challenging. I have realized teaching has become extremely political and rigorous within the district. Teachers are not held accountable for their actions which causes achievement gaps. The focus is directed to the child passing their grade rather than the child becoming accountable for their actions and achievement.

Children have developed strategies to hide themselves from the spotlight of teachers. And because of this, the kids slide by unnoticed, damaged, and have title themselves as "just a number" within the class.

...I perouse the class and I know who is hiding, but why? These young adults are screaming to me through their heads drooped down with their body forming a shell of protection..Oh, I see them. My eyes reaching theirs and I recognize a since of desperation and ambiguity. Oh, how it's familiar.
I slowly perch down to a students desk wanting to tell them infinite words of love and comfort..But, I can't for I am only a stranger to them, a student teacher trying to untie the ropes as they knot it.

A student today looked at me and laughed..for he claimed "that I know nothing about science or how to teach" I only smiled and walked away and whispered...love, unconditional love. The children were laughing in the background as I breathed in hopes that my flesh and blood will not overtake me with callousness.

Oh God, let these children see love this through their fear, and un waving vulnerability..Oh my god, please, let them see love.

in conclusion, I'm being slapped in the face with reality everyday, eating great Chinese food, loving science, and just trying to breathe.

I love you all and thank for being my cheerleaders, It means the world to me.

Until next time,

AJC

Should I show them my scars? Cherry red, Bleeding Burn

hey y'all,


So I'm sure each of you are wondering about my well-being, which is understandable.. So, shall we start from the beginning?





The voyage:


So, I traveled in my little wagon down to good ol' hottttt Tejas. While I was sauntering down the interstate, I was listening to the soft, ambient noise of my favorite bands as well as the (oh so imperative) talk radio, NPR. As I drove, sweat seeped through my body; this became the unavoidable and a familiar smell by the end of the trip :) I stopped in Atlanta for the night and then landed in my ol' stopping grounds of Orange, TX.


On my way through Louisiana, I smelled the familiar odor of sulfur (rotted eggs) which seemed to be dancing through my sinuses. I passed over the infamous Breaux bridge and the water was meeting the bridge just as a meniscus would attract to a beaker.


Devastation was only an arms length away yet I was only looking at the beast through a cage....I realize that I seem only to stare in amazement at such tragedy rather than putting my fingers through the cage and softly touching the beast.


I arrived in Orange, TX and headed to my permeable residence in Austin. I opened the apartment door and a sweet man named Cheng greeted me with the biggest smile. He asked me if I needed help and then instantly laughed at my lack of belongings (I knew we would be friends quickly). We chatted and I ate Chinese food and watched Kung Fu Panda with him. I spruced up the place and mounted my insect collection on the dinning room table. The next day Cheng claimed that "I wasn't the typical American" due to my cleanliness, geek tendency's and my early bedtime:) I'm slowly learning to use chopsticks; there is only chopsticks in the house...The other 2 other roommates are from China as well. I went to a church Sunday and met a girl Abigale from Singapore. We quickly became friends and I plan taking swing dancing soon. So that's the logistics (the epidermis) now for the meat (dermis).





The Reality:


Well, I failed my test but so did half of the Science Teaching Fellows in my cohort. I'm faced with the slap of failure and trying to work past it. I've come this far and I seem to be more determined than before. I have the opportunity to impact children lives through my struggles and determination by the grace of God. I ask each of you to say a prayer for me as I will for you.


For the first time, I'm seeing myself being challenged physically, socially, emotionally, and intellectually. My comfort zone is being reconstructed which is causing change. I hope each of you step out of the perfectly constructed box and experience a since of uncomfort that creates a stronger sting and craving for God.



Until next time,


Ashley-Jayne Carlisle





Gratitude changes the pangs of memory into a tranquil joy~ Bonhoeffer

If you speak my name I vanish...

So,
I figured I would start this new age revolution called: online writing. My motivation or "muse" for this is because I have been encouraged by words through reading. I feel as though my writing is mediocre but I'm challenging myself to put my thoughts into this online abyss...I hope you enjoy reading my thoughts, struggles, humor...me.

I seem to be at a temporary phase...an exile phase. I stray from one day to another not remembering the gravel which I've traveled. I feel as though time has become an ex-boyfriend or a subtle memory that hasn't yet been revealed. I have dreams where I'm drowning in silence...hmm, metaphorical?

These are the undermining thoughts that are becoming my lively hood. But, I will say that I have been praying, oh, I have been praying. Slow and steady prayers to keep me treading through these deep, faintly traced waters. I have seen glimpses of my God through the powers which may demise its truth. I have seen my God through my hatred, frustration, and self-inflicting pity...contradiction? Yes.

I went to get my oil changed and this sweet, concerned man called me to ensure me of my death if I didn't get new tires...I said with a soft, twitter: I lack money, but thanks for letting me know that my percentage of dying in a car has, in fact, risen. As I drove away, I renamed my car: Heavens Gate.

As I drove to my after school program, I got an itch..a calming, that I will in fact will be OK. I may be on the brink of death, poor, temporary, relationship defective, a worn out record...but for the first time, in the past 6 years, I'm discovering the reality that shattered pieces will always be reconstructed with change...

Until next time.