Awake my soul, for we were made to meet our maker

well, it has been a few weeks and it seems like years have passed, funny how reality can become a multiple of galaxies (I'll explain more).

Update: Finished student teaching, have 2 more weeks of institute, Took the TEXES exam, enjoying Austin...stressed.

So, let's begin, shall we?

Let me start with my fellow science cohort...13 individuals are in my cohort, 2 have doctorate degrees and 3 are fresh out of college. I must say that I'm loving this group for they are hilarious and of course I have my favorites :) One of my favorites, Mitch, is from Louisiana and is quite southern and sharp witted. He is a good ol' boy and loves those rattle' snakes and critters. Since I love imitating, or should I say speaking my natural southern language, me and Mitch get along quite well. He has classified me as his "sister from another mister".

I've been laughing a good amount just because the randomness of reality. Last month, I was selling pasta worrying about the fickle weather of Boone; But instead, I'm working on creating lesson plans, playing ultimate Frisbee in the dark, eating tacos every morning...my life has been topsy turvied and all I can do is laugh or some days cry.

I'm stressed about the results of this TEXES test. One of my biggest weakness is the lack of contextual confidence. As a coping mechanism, I tend to portray my intelligence as limiting, for people expect less from me. I am faced with intellectual individuals that carry themselves high which demands a confidence that becomes intimidating. I know the structure of failure and I know how it can be denatured or catalytic. I'm seeping into a vacuum of self-inflicted pity due to the constant aroma of self deprecation...Oh, but I'm trying to stand and hold steady even if I have scars from the falls. I find the results from the test this week, blah.

I was driving a friend home one night and on the drive back she looked at me and said that she gains more respect for me everyday. It took me off guard and I ask the reason behind the statement. She claimed that my acts of kindness are so genuine and frequent, she could tell that I really, truly cared about individuals. I almost cried like an infant when she spoke these words for I realized that I was only treating her as a daughter of God..."smack", there goes the slap across of face, for just then I realized one implication of my actions.

Each of you have shown copious amounts of care and kindness my way by the grace of God. And because of this, I know what genuine love and accountability inhabits.

As I drove home that night, I just smiled and thought about all of those moments were I was crawling in filth just to see a glimpse of light. Even if I didn't know where I was going, I knew what I needed. Due to this, each of you grabbed and shook me, fed me, washed my damped clothes, listened, and directed me towards our Makers image...and for that I'm eternally grateful.

So my story grows and every day enfolds another page. I just joined a improv group, just to add to the randomness

Until next time...

With sunshine from the hill country,

Miss. Carlisle

I need to understand the root not the shoot.

well, well..Where should I start?
So, I think I should first start with my daily routine to give you an idea of my day:

5:30 am- wake up delirious, ready to take on the day
6:20- Meet my cohort fellow, who is in the same teaching class, to go over lesson plan
8:00- Arrive at Akins High school and talk to our Corporate teacher and most days have a "Come to Jesus meeting" with her about class management.
9-1:00- Teach life biology to high schools students
1-4:40: Travel back to institute and join up with the science cohort for skills and training
5-8: Lesson planning, finish all of the requirements and assignments giving to our cohort, review for tomorrow's teaching, try to be social and participate in Texas Teaching Fellows event for participation credit.
8-11 pm: Study for my TEXES 8-12 Test.

Set that alarm and start again.

Life has become hectic,intense,draining,exciting, and challenging. I have realized teaching has become extremely political and rigorous within the district. Teachers are not held accountable for their actions which causes achievement gaps. The focus is directed to the child passing their grade rather than the child becoming accountable for their actions and achievement.

Children have developed strategies to hide themselves from the spotlight of teachers. And because of this, the kids slide by unnoticed, damaged, and have title themselves as "just a number" within the class.

...I perouse the class and I know who is hiding, but why? These young adults are screaming to me through their heads drooped down with their body forming a shell of protection..Oh, I see them. My eyes reaching theirs and I recognize a since of desperation and ambiguity. Oh, how it's familiar.
I slowly perch down to a students desk wanting to tell them infinite words of love and comfort..But, I can't for I am only a stranger to them, a student teacher trying to untie the ropes as they knot it.

A student today looked at me and laughed..for he claimed "that I know nothing about science or how to teach" I only smiled and walked away and whispered...love, unconditional love. The children were laughing in the background as I breathed in hopes that my flesh and blood will not overtake me with callousness.

Oh God, let these children see love this through their fear, and un waving vulnerability..Oh my god, please, let them see love.

in conclusion, I'm being slapped in the face with reality everyday, eating great Chinese food, loving science, and just trying to breathe.

I love you all and thank for being my cheerleaders, It means the world to me.

Until next time,

AJC

Should I show them my scars? Cherry red, Bleeding Burn

hey y'all,


So I'm sure each of you are wondering about my well-being, which is understandable.. So, shall we start from the beginning?





The voyage:


So, I traveled in my little wagon down to good ol' hottttt Tejas. While I was sauntering down the interstate, I was listening to the soft, ambient noise of my favorite bands as well as the (oh so imperative) talk radio, NPR. As I drove, sweat seeped through my body; this became the unavoidable and a familiar smell by the end of the trip :) I stopped in Atlanta for the night and then landed in my ol' stopping grounds of Orange, TX.


On my way through Louisiana, I smelled the familiar odor of sulfur (rotted eggs) which seemed to be dancing through my sinuses. I passed over the infamous Breaux bridge and the water was meeting the bridge just as a meniscus would attract to a beaker.


Devastation was only an arms length away yet I was only looking at the beast through a cage....I realize that I seem only to stare in amazement at such tragedy rather than putting my fingers through the cage and softly touching the beast.


I arrived in Orange, TX and headed to my permeable residence in Austin. I opened the apartment door and a sweet man named Cheng greeted me with the biggest smile. He asked me if I needed help and then instantly laughed at my lack of belongings (I knew we would be friends quickly). We chatted and I ate Chinese food and watched Kung Fu Panda with him. I spruced up the place and mounted my insect collection on the dinning room table. The next day Cheng claimed that "I wasn't the typical American" due to my cleanliness, geek tendency's and my early bedtime:) I'm slowly learning to use chopsticks; there is only chopsticks in the house...The other 2 other roommates are from China as well. I went to a church Sunday and met a girl Abigale from Singapore. We quickly became friends and I plan taking swing dancing soon. So that's the logistics (the epidermis) now for the meat (dermis).





The Reality:


Well, I failed my test but so did half of the Science Teaching Fellows in my cohort. I'm faced with the slap of failure and trying to work past it. I've come this far and I seem to be more determined than before. I have the opportunity to impact children lives through my struggles and determination by the grace of God. I ask each of you to say a prayer for me as I will for you.


For the first time, I'm seeing myself being challenged physically, socially, emotionally, and intellectually. My comfort zone is being reconstructed which is causing change. I hope each of you step out of the perfectly constructed box and experience a since of uncomfort that creates a stronger sting and craving for God.



Until next time,


Ashley-Jayne Carlisle





Gratitude changes the pangs of memory into a tranquil joy~ Bonhoeffer

If you speak my name I vanish...

So,
I figured I would start this new age revolution called: online writing. My motivation or "muse" for this is because I have been encouraged by words through reading. I feel as though my writing is mediocre but I'm challenging myself to put my thoughts into this online abyss...I hope you enjoy reading my thoughts, struggles, humor...me.

I seem to be at a temporary phase...an exile phase. I stray from one day to another not remembering the gravel which I've traveled. I feel as though time has become an ex-boyfriend or a subtle memory that hasn't yet been revealed. I have dreams where I'm drowning in silence...hmm, metaphorical?

These are the undermining thoughts that are becoming my lively hood. But, I will say that I have been praying, oh, I have been praying. Slow and steady prayers to keep me treading through these deep, faintly traced waters. I have seen glimpses of my God through the powers which may demise its truth. I have seen my God through my hatred, frustration, and self-inflicting pity...contradiction? Yes.

I went to get my oil changed and this sweet, concerned man called me to ensure me of my death if I didn't get new tires...I said with a soft, twitter: I lack money, but thanks for letting me know that my percentage of dying in a car has, in fact, risen. As I drove away, I renamed my car: Heavens Gate.

As I drove to my after school program, I got an itch..a calming, that I will in fact will be OK. I may be on the brink of death, poor, temporary, relationship defective, a worn out record...but for the first time, in the past 6 years, I'm discovering the reality that shattered pieces will always be reconstructed with change...

Until next time.